Etiquette has fallen upon hard times, being seen as meaningless class-based ritual that has no place in our modern egalitarian age. These days we are sincere and truthful, not cheapening phrases like “please” and “thank you” and “I love you” by using them when we can’t summon up feelings of gratitude or affection to back them with.
The problem with this thinking is that it makes our feelings the standard by which circumstances are judged. Etiquette assumes that our feelings are in need of training, that there are circumstances where gratitude or affection are objectively required. If our feelings don’t match up, then there is a problem with our feelings that must be dealt with. Every “please” and “thank you” and “I love you” that is said insincerely is a reminder that we need to work harder on being grateful or affectionate.
The social graces constitute the liturgy of everyday interaction. In Letters to Malcolm, C.S. Lewis described the liturgy of the church as follows:
Every service is a structure of acts and words through which we receive a sacrament, or repent, or supplicate, or adore. And it enables us to do these things best…when, through familiarity, we don’t have to think about it. As long as you notice, and have to count, the steps, you are not yet dancing but only learning to dance. A good shoe is a shoe you don’t notice. Good reading becomes possible when you need not consciously think about eyes, or light, or print, or spelling. The perfect church service would be one we were almost unaware of; our attention would have been on God. But every novelty prevents this. It fixes our attention on the service itself; and thinking about worship is a different thing from worshipping.
Similarly, the social graces help us to automatically treat others as if we esteem them more highly than ourselves, even when we don’t. And as we treat others with the esteem they deserve, we learn to esteem them as we should.
We’re firmly in the camp of creating proper habits and letting proper feelings follow. We teach our kids to say “please” and “thank you” and “you’re welcome” and “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir” automatically. We model it for them, to the extent of using “please” when giving an instruction and saying “thank you” when it is obeyed.
Once many years ago when Chris was still very small, he and Debbie and I were eating with friends at a restaurant. Chris did something that earned him a slap on the hand, and he proceeded to bawl. I told him to hush, and handed him his cup of milk. While he was stifling his sobs, he managed to choke out, “Thank you.” Our friends laughed with astonishment, while I just said, “You’re welcome.”
